Category — stress management

So it’s been awhile since I updated this blog. I’ve been busy with life and stuff. Still holding strong, for the most part.

Stress levels have been up. Taxes, taxes. I owe a lot of money this year. I have enough to cover it, but it’s a drag to see all of those savings slipping from my fingers, especially during this lean time. With the economy changing, I have been a bit worried about my job. Freelancers are on unsteady ground and things are slowing down with my employers. I have been looking for other work, but haven’t heard much back yet.

I did have an interview this week, which went pretty well, actually. I mean, I don’t know if I’ll be called for the second interview, but I think I held my ground. Mostly I think that the potential employer may be put off by my graduate degree, as the job is one for which I am probably overqualified. However, it is a good company and I see a lot of potential for growth within the company rather than moving on to something else, so I hope I made my interest and capability apparent.

The thing is, after the interview, even though I felt I had performed pretty well, I found myself, in the release of that immediate stress, craving cigarettes more than I had at the beginning of March. I kept muttering to myself that I didn’t need them, I didn’t even want them, but no matter what I felt about it I couldn’t manage to stop myself from buying a pack of smokes.

I held it in my hand for a few seconds, willing myself not to open it. Yeah, that didn’t work. I totally gave in.

Oh my lordy. It was soooooo disgusting. Like really. I didn’t even get the happy head rush that comes from a smoke after a hiatus. It was just smelly and icky and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach.

Suddenly I was transported to my life at age thirteen, when I endured the same stench and nausea to pass my initiation into the addicts’ club. Do you know anyone who wants to live through thirteen again? Me neither. I popped back into the present and realized that I possess one crucial tool that saves me from the fate of my thirteen-year-old self: I no longer have to fit into some stupid and incredibly short-sighted peer group.

I put the cigarette out. Good riddance. And on the way home I stopped at a friend’s place and gave her the pack. She hasn’t quit and I knew I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away. But I didn’t want to continue smoking them until they started to taste good again.

So yeah. A brief fall from grace there, but I am back on track. I feel sort of guilty about it, but I’m happy that I got the jones out and then got rid of the temptation right away.

The stupid thing is that I still sometimes feel like I want a cigarette, even knowing that it will taste disgusting. The recent memory of that grossness in my mouth and throat does make it easier not to linger on it, though.

I made it through March!!

I have officially made it through the contest period. I expect that phone call telling me I have won my car any day now. I’ll settle for dinner at Chipotle, though, which is what my darling Michka is going to get for me tonight. Yum!

I am also making cake. I would have someone make cake for me but the truth is that my icing is the best icing and I won’t settle for anything else. It will look like it was decorated by a five-year-old, but it will be EPIC in flavour, I promise. I am going to pop by Kabuki’s place after dinner with some kind words and cake to share, and then it’s back home for a nice quiet evening in for two (well, and Punky makes three) with movies and red wine. Sounds like a winner to me!

Let’s have a closer look at that calendar.

I’M A NON-SMOKIN’ FOOL!!!!

So things have been a bit tough. I have had at least three days this week that felt like weeks unto themselves with the cravings, but I have managed to stay clean. It doesn’t help that Kabuki and I seem to have let the weekly outings and daily phone calls fall by the wayside.

I am trying to get out of the house anyway, though, so I won’t end up feeling crappy like I did last week. Last time we quit together we fell off the wagon together as well, and Kabuki noted—quite correctly—that we were too codependent about it. I could really use my wing-gal right now, but ultimately I have to be able to be in this for me.

So I have gone to the gym a few times, including today, and also have been trying to get out and walk around in the relatively nice weather we have been having. The exercise helps. Yesterday I went to the Danforth to pick up a book that I had ordered from Book City. I love that book! So gorgeous. It was such a nice day and I have been so good with the not smoking and feeling pretty happy about it that I thought we should both reward ourselves with dinner at Astoria. Yum!

Oh, and also? I drank wine! And didn’t sit there hating it because I couldn’t smoke. Rock on! To celebrate I picked up a couple more wines on the way home to bring back here for the weekend.

I have been working a lot, and I mean a lot, which helps and doesn’t help in that it keeps me busy but ups my stress level and back pain. But the money is nice. And I made an appointment with an accountant for my taxes, but haven’t gotten all of my stuff together yet. Um, I guess I had better do that. Thank heavens I am able to drink wine again!

With the weather getting nicer—and sunnier—I would like to get some of the toy and obsolete cameras Michka and I have together and go photo-adventuring. We have a Holga, an Oktomat, a pinhole (yet to be put together), a Brownie and a Voightlander. Oh, and an 8mm, for which of course they don’t make film anymore, but it’s pretty, and a Super 8, for which they do, although it is a bit pricey to process. The possibilities are simply delicious.

Wow, this week flew by. I barely even had time to document the week’s struggle here, which I suppose means that it’s getting easier to live without thinking about smoking all the time.

After all of my talk of side effects the other day, I forgot to mention one very important one: I spend next to no money when I am not smoking! I rarely go out and don’t drink, don’t throw money away on stink-sticks and instead use the cash on other more enjoyable things. Which means that my money jar is already accumulating some serious dough!!

That’s what I’m talking about. I’m fucking rich.

So it’s been nearly two weeks since I last smoked a cigarette and my body is feeling the burn! I have attempted to be pretty positive around here, focusing on the goals and rewards that Kabuki and I set out and patting myself on the back while ignoring the fact that my head hurts, I am cranky and sleepy, my stomach is bloated and I can’t sleep for shit.

While I think it is really important to focus on the good stuff, the reasons for quitting and staying quit, I also think it is worth it to acknowledge the pain of the transition—if only to further remind myself what a hard task I am taking on and what a rockstar I am for doing it. And also because I need to vent about it.

Quitting does a number on a body, especially cold turkey. My head hurts every day and I am really tired all of the time, even when I do sleep a full night. I guess cutting out my only real stimulant has an effect on me. Strangely, though, I also have sleep troubles, waking in the middle of the night and finding myself unable to fall asleep again. Which doesn’t help with the headaches, let me tell you.

Then I have digestive issues: either I can’t go to the bathroom or I can’t stop. I’m bloated and feel like the ugliest lump on the planet. It’s like I have my period all the time. Wait. I guess that’s too much information. Moving on, then.

Kabuki has reported, and I have to say that I have noticed this too, some pain in the breasts. Too much information again? Sorry. Um…I am breaking out a bit, but I think that’s because I am eating more baked goods than usual. Mmmm, nothing cuts a nic-fit like some old fashioned plain doughnuts from Timmy Ho’s!

*Ahem*

I feel a bit sick, too, but not as much so as the last time I quit, two years ago. That time I coughed up nasty coloured substances for about three weeks straight before I finally took a deep breath and enjoyed it. This time I am just a bit stuffed up and am clearing my throat a bit at night before bed. And already most of that has actually passed.

In better news, Michka tells me I snore less. And although I have been eating more baked goods, I haven’t noticed myself eating uncontrollably; I am actually able to curb cravings and tend to eat when I am actually hungry. I hope that means I won’t have to put on the extra few pounds I usually put on when quitting. I’m about as heavy as I want to be.

Also, I know that the sickness, the sleeplessness, even the irritability are my body’s way of working out the addiction. It’s healing itself, which is a painful and slow process. Kinda like the economy or something. But it will get better right? My body, I mean. The economy has gone to shit. That’s why I play Cash For Life.

I’ve already won $34 in the last two weeks! Yeehaw.

In addition to rewards, of course, we needed to come up with lists of replacements for cigarettes and strategies for keeping off of the smokes. Different things work for each of us. I prefer things like hot water, tea, mints and chocolate while Kabuki prefers to sleep and take baths.

Here are a few strategies and replacements we came up with for those moments when we feel we are ready to gnaw our fingers to the bones:

Note that neither of us wanted to use cessation drugs or implements such as patches or gum. I have tried that Nicorette shit and man, it nearly *killed* me. I didn’t realize you had to chew it once and let it rest, then chew once or twice more and let it rest… I chewed it like regular gum and it tore the shit out of my throat. Ugh. Never again.

As for patches, I don’t know. I think half of my addiction is in my hands and another third of it in my lips, so the fraction left that the patch would tackle seems less than satisfactory. Plus I wanted to end my relationship with nicotine altogether rather than to wean off. I may be bitchy (I really, really am), but I will be free sooner. Or so the theory goes.

So basically the plan is to tackle the immediate cravings with whatever distractions work the best, whether it’s a good old fashioned sen-sen (I live on these), a nap, or…sex! Whatever works. And in the longer run, keep busy with projects, walks, exercise, and…sex!

We’re also avoiding situations that lead us to want to smoke. So, in essence…everything. Ha! I informed my close friends that I wouldn’t be around for a few weeks, that I needed some cloister-time. No drinking, very little socializing and never at night, avoiding super-rich foods, leaving my taxes for a later time because dude—NO STRESS. That last one is a hard one. It’s a tough time of year. but as Kabuki has said numerous times, there is never a good time to quit smoking.

So we know we’re going to hit the hard moments, no matter how we try to avoid them and no matter how we have planned to deal with them. The next question is, how do we avoid losing our cool? How especially do we avoid taking out our bitchery on our supportive and loving partners (who will of course be the first to bear the brunt of our frustrations)? Well we didn’t come up with very many strategies for that, but I think the ones we have are important:

I have to be careful with using something like baking as a distraction, though. One year when I had quit for a month and was making the cake for the Non-Smoking Fools Party that was to take place on April 1st, the icing didn’t come out as planned and I was freaking out and Michelle was laughing and, well, we almost broke up. It’s funny now, but at the time it was…not. So a note to myself: stick to the easy stuff. Or just buy the cake!

I do think the first option is very important, and I know both Kabuki and I took our partners aside before Q-Day to explain that if in the coming weeks we need to leave the room in a huff for a few minutes or be alone in a corner for a bit, even if this arises mid-conversation or mid-argument, it isn’t because we can’t stand the sight of them or they have offended us greatly at that moment; it is because we need to do something with the moment where we would formerly have gone for a cigarette to do something that is not going for a cigarette. Like leaving the room. Counting to ten. Deep breathing. Reading a book. Blowing some bubbles. Drinking some water. Whatever.

Yesterday I was trying to print something out for Michelle and the printer was acting up, as it has been doing a lot lately. Michelle, eager to read her printout, was asking what the problem was, and in my irritated state I felt very near snapping at her instead of at the computer that was giving me the trouble. So as calmly as I could, I said, “It’s not working; it’s pissing me off and I have to deal with it. So just…don’t talk to me for a few minutes while I figure it out.”

And she was like, “Okay.” And went to change the laundry over, giving me my required moment to fume and then work my shit out. Nobody lost their cool and nobody got hurt. I think that’s a success, no?