Stark and Kabuki’s journey to becoming smoke free

…not me. Well, not officially, anyway.

The Driven to Quit Challenge announced their prize winners today. I am not among them. Which is actually a good thing, because as I last posted, I had that little slip up a couple of weeks ago, which would have shown up on my urine test. Wouldn’t it have sucked to have been called up as a winner, only to be shamed by my momentary weakness? That might have sent me right back to the weed.

So anyway, no new car for me. No paid vacation and no $2000 gift certificates for Crappy Canadian Tire. But what did I win? Most likely a cleaner bill of health than two months ago, a calendar full of cute stickers, $63 dollars in scratch’n'win loot—which I put towards the new Neil Gaiman/Amanda Palmer/Kyle Cassidy book, Who Killed Amanda Palmer—a pretty strong sense of accomplishment, a few pounds, a stronger commitment to my gym membership, and this shiny little blog. I didn’t do too badly, after all. And I’m still sticking to my guns. So it’s been a good challenge for me!

So it’s been awhile since I updated this blog. I’ve been busy with life and stuff. Still holding strong, for the most part.

Stress levels have been up. Taxes, taxes. I owe a lot of money this year. I have enough to cover it, but it’s a drag to see all of those savings slipping from my fingers, especially during this lean time. With the economy changing, I have been a bit worried about my job. Freelancers are on unsteady ground and things are slowing down with my employers. I have been looking for other work, but haven’t heard much back yet.

I did have an interview this week, which went pretty well, actually. I mean, I don’t know if I’ll be called for the second interview, but I think I held my ground. Mostly I think that the potential employer may be put off by my graduate degree, as the job is one for which I am probably overqualified. However, it is a good company and I see a lot of potential for growth within the company rather than moving on to something else, so I hope I made my interest and capability apparent.

The thing is, after the interview, even though I felt I had performed pretty well, I found myself, in the release of that immediate stress, craving cigarettes more than I had at the beginning of March. I kept muttering to myself that I didn’t need them, I didn’t even want them, but no matter what I felt about it I couldn’t manage to stop myself from buying a pack of smokes.

I held it in my hand for a few seconds, willing myself not to open it. Yeah, that didn’t work. I totally gave in.

Oh my lordy. It was soooooo disgusting. Like really. I didn’t even get the happy head rush that comes from a smoke after a hiatus. It was just smelly and icky and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach.

Suddenly I was transported to my life at age thirteen, when I endured the same stench and nausea to pass my initiation into the addicts’ club. Do you know anyone who wants to live through thirteen again? Me neither. I popped back into the present and realized that I possess one crucial tool that saves me from the fate of my thirteen-year-old self: I no longer have to fit into some stupid and incredibly short-sighted peer group.

I put the cigarette out. Good riddance. And on the way home I stopped at a friend’s place and gave her the pack. She hasn’t quit and I knew I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away. But I didn’t want to continue smoking them until they started to taste good again.

So yeah. A brief fall from grace there, but I am back on track. I feel sort of guilty about it, but I’m happy that I got the jones out and then got rid of the temptation right away.

The stupid thing is that I still sometimes feel like I want a cigarette, even knowing that it will taste disgusting. The recent memory of that grossness in my mouth and throat does make it easier not to linger on it, though.

Yesterday was lovely, simply lovely. I worked all morning, very early, so I was done work by early afternoon, with plenty of time to take in an afternoon stroll to the bank in the springtime sun. Then I returned home and baked a cake!

It was a day worth celebrating and I wanted to have something special with which to celebrate! Two years ago when I made it to Non-Smoking Fools’ Day I baked a cake and made some really messy, cement-coloured icing that caused me such strife that I very nearly broke up with my girlfriend, who was laughing at my pain over the phone. We laugh about it now, but it was hell at the time!

It ended up being a really ugly cake. I mean seriously ugly. I am no baker and I am certainly no cake decorator. It’s kind of hilarious, how bad it was, really. Witness:

Ugly as it was, it was actually really delicious. So much so that every time we have had some birthday or other cake-worthy party to celebrate since then, Kabuki requests the special coconut icing. I have since adapted it to make it not only even more delicious, but also less sloppy and ridiculous. And a more appetizing colour. Live and learn.

So this year I wanted to make that yummy cake again, complete with the miraculous, if trying, coconut-mascarpone icing that has gone from being my bane to being my specialty. However, this time around I wanted to do something a bit different with it. A few weeks ago I had rewarded myself with a trip to Kitchen Stuff Plus, one of my favourite places in the universe. I went in for a spatula and came out with a haul, including these nifty little guys:

They’re cupcake cups, but made of silicone so you can bake the cupcakes right in them! So cute and colourful. I was itching to post this find on here before, but wanted Kabuki to be surprised on NSF Day, so I kept my mouth shut until now.

The Ugliest Cake In History, however, had become something of a nostalgia by now, after all of our struggles, so I still wanted the cupcakes to reflect the old cake in some visual way. So I adorned each one with one of my ridiculous decorations from the old cake. And since my decorating skillz are so…interpretive that it may be difficult to tell what any of these illustrations are, I made another funky image map to explain them! To view it, click on the image below:

After enjoying a delicious meal that Michelle so kindly brought home from Chipotle, we sauntered over to Kabuki and the Good Doctor’s place to share the cupcakes and congratulations on all of our hard work. The cupcakes were a hit! I am really proud of the both of us.

And I have a whole cake left at home yet to be decorated… There may be more ridiculousness in that department still to come.

I made it through March!!

I have officially made it through the contest period. I expect that phone call telling me I have won my car any day now. I’ll settle for dinner at Chipotle, though, which is what my darling Michka is going to get for me tonight. Yum!

I am also making cake. I would have someone make cake for me but the truth is that my icing is the best icing and I won’t settle for anything else. It will look like it was decorated by a five-year-old, but it will be EPIC in flavour, I promise. I am going to pop by Kabuki’s place after dinner with some kind words and cake to share, and then it’s back home for a nice quiet evening in for two (well, and Punky makes three) with movies and red wine. Sounds like a winner to me!

Let’s have a closer look at that calendar.

I’M A NON-SMOKIN’ FOOL!!!!

Yesterday marked Day 28 on my journey to independence. I’m feeling pretty good about myself. In sadder news, Kabuki had a bit of a relapse, but has a distinct plan in place to get back on the horse. I’m still cheering her on; she’s been doing really well.

Yesterday we decided to celebrate our hard work by heading out with our partners to the Ontario Science Centre to see the Sultans of Science exhibit. It was pretty cool.

We generally ran around like rugrats on speed and played with all of the interactive crap, like plasma balls and mirrors and spinning rooms and stuff.

That Science Centre is really cool. When we arrived there, we wondered why anyone would want to spend such a chunk of change on a membership that would take five visits to pay off in a year, but once inside I realised that there is tons of stuff to keep you busy, especially for the young’uns.

The thing that surprised me most about the place, though, was the lack of supervision. I mean, while I appreciate a museum/centre that really encouragtes creativity by leaving the interactive exhibits open for kids (and adults) to play with, I think that maybe having hot glue guns at the ready without any staff supervision can be a bit dangerous. I know the parents can also look after their children, but some of the older ones want to be a bit independent, and even an adult who doesn’t have experience with one of those things can accidentally burn herself, or someone else! Don’t worry, honey—I know it was an accident.

Anyway, it was an excellent day, full of fun and geeky goodness. I have said I would go on outings to places I don’t usually visit as part of my quitting strategy, but until now I haven’t really done so. I plan to go out to more fun places in the future! Maybe check out some of the small galleries and things Toronto has to offer.

So everyone I have spoken to who has quit smoking has had dreams about smoking. I am no exception. I am in my mom’s living room and a bunch of my friends from high school show up and start smoking and I bum a drag just as my mother walks in, or I’m out at a club and craving and craving and end up stealing/borrowing/buying a smoke and lighting it up just as Michka shows up, or something like that. Sometimes I am smoking already when I suddenly notice that I am doing so and remember that I have quit, so what am I doing? I had the same kinds of dreams when I gave up meat, but of course substitute the cigarette with a cheeseburger and my mom with my former girlfriend, a vegan. It’s pretty normal I think.

The thing that is cool right now is that I have now had not one, but two dreams in which others around me smoked and I rejected it! This may seem unexciting to anyone who has not experienced these dreams, but for me it is a big step.

In the first dream, which I had a couple of weeks ago, actually, I was at a party at someone’s house. The someone was Charlotte Gainsbourg, now that I recall, although in my dream I think she was a mixture of Gainsbourg and my friend A. Anyway, we were talking at the kitchen table and she went to light up a cigarette. I said, “Oh, you’re going to smoke? Then I have to leave.” She asked, “Why?” I answered, “I just quit. I can’t be around smoking right now.” She shrugged and lit up her cigarette. I was pissed and hurt because I thought a good time with me was worth a bit of time without a smoke. But anyway, I prepared to leave without saying anything about it. Michelle walked in and asked why I was leaving. When I told her, she said, “Okay, just give me a minute.” And she lit up a smoke! Which is funny because Michelle has never smoked in real life, smart girl. Anyway, I was so angry, and part of me was like, maybe I should just give up and do it, but the other part was like, no fucking way! I’ve worked hard for this! So I didn’t smoke and went home very angry.

The second dream was last night. I was staying at this sort of shared villa thing in Venezuela that I inherited from someone somehow, I forget. It was run by these hippy Americans who would dress in strange costumes to scare the hammerhead sharks away from the smaller animals on the shore. Poor sharks. Anyway, I was talking to some of the Americans outside, including this girl who looked like Mary Stuart Masterson circa Some Kind of Wonderful (which was on TV last night, go figure). She started going through the pockets of my jacket, and I got a bit defensive. “What are you doing?” I asked sharply, to which she responded, a bit put out that I seemed suspicious, “I’m looking for cigarettes.” I replied, again rather forcefully, “There aren’t any in there; I don’t smoke anymore,” and took my jacket back from her. She looked miffed, so I explained that it was a recent quit so I was sensitive about it. I didn’t want Mary Stuart Masterson to be mad at me. Then her friends started chiming in about how it’s fine for me to say that I don’t smoke now, but I’ll give in sooner or later, or that they will never be able to quit, so good for me, in this really sarcastic, condescending tone. Those hippies weren’t very loving, if you ask me. I got pissed and argued back on every stupid point, at one point even restraining myself from getting really nasty in response. I can’t remember exactly what my nasty response was going to be, as dream language sometimes makes less sense when I’m awake. And again in the end I didn’t smoke. I didn’t spend much time with them anymore, either. Mary Stuart Masterson lookalike be damned!

The point of highlighting these dreams is that even in my subconscious I have quit smoking, am adamant about succeeding and resistant to peer pressure. It’s a big deal to me because it means I am not taking this journey on lightly, convincing myself that I am really committed while secretly making plans to fall off the wagon later. My brain says we’re in it for real—yay for my brain!

Happy 3-Week-iversary to Kabuki and me! We fucking rock. 3 weeks went by fast, too, not like two years ago, when every minute was a pain. We’re getting better at this! And just to show that it pays to quit smoking:

Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Instead of buying a pack of smokes at the store, I buy a couple of scratch’n'wins. I’m on a winning streak!

So things have been a bit tough. I have had at least three days this week that felt like weeks unto themselves with the cravings, but I have managed to stay clean. It doesn’t help that Kabuki and I seem to have let the weekly outings and daily phone calls fall by the wayside.

I am trying to get out of the house anyway, though, so I won’t end up feeling crappy like I did last week. Last time we quit together we fell off the wagon together as well, and Kabuki noted—quite correctly—that we were too codependent about it. I could really use my wing-gal right now, but ultimately I have to be able to be in this for me.

So I have gone to the gym a few times, including today, and also have been trying to get out and walk around in the relatively nice weather we have been having. The exercise helps. Yesterday I went to the Danforth to pick up a book that I had ordered from Book City. I love that book! So gorgeous. It was such a nice day and I have been so good with the not smoking and feeling pretty happy about it that I thought we should both reward ourselves with dinner at Astoria. Yum!

Oh, and also? I drank wine! And didn’t sit there hating it because I couldn’t smoke. Rock on! To celebrate I picked up a couple more wines on the way home to bring back here for the weekend.

I have been working a lot, and I mean a lot, which helps and doesn’t help in that it keeps me busy but ups my stress level and back pain. But the money is nice. And I made an appointment with an accountant for my taxes, but haven’t gotten all of my stuff together yet. Um, I guess I had better do that. Thank heavens I am able to drink wine again!

With the weather getting nicer—and sunnier—I would like to get some of the toy and obsolete cameras Michka and I have together and go photo-adventuring. We have a Holga, an Oktomat, a pinhole (yet to be put together), a Brownie and a Voightlander. Oh, and an 8mm, for which of course they don’t make film anymore, but it’s pretty, and a Super 8, for which they do, although it is a bit pricey to process. The possibilities are simply delicious.

Wow, this week flew by. I barely even had time to document the week’s struggle here, which I suppose means that it’s getting easier to live without thinking about smoking all the time.

After all of my talk of side effects the other day, I forgot to mention one very important one: I spend next to no money when I am not smoking! I rarely go out and don’t drink, don’t throw money away on stink-sticks and instead use the cash on other more enjoyable things. Which means that my money jar is already accumulating some serious dough!!

That’s what I’m talking about. I’m fucking rich.

So it’s been nearly two weeks since I last smoked a cigarette and my body is feeling the burn! I have attempted to be pretty positive around here, focusing on the goals and rewards that Kabuki and I set out and patting myself on the back while ignoring the fact that my head hurts, I am cranky and sleepy, my stomach is bloated and I can’t sleep for shit.

While I think it is really important to focus on the good stuff, the reasons for quitting and staying quit, I also think it is worth it to acknowledge the pain of the transition—if only to further remind myself what a hard task I am taking on and what a rockstar I am for doing it. And also because I need to vent about it.

Quitting does a number on a body, especially cold turkey. My head hurts every day and I am really tired all of the time, even when I do sleep a full night. I guess cutting out my only real stimulant has an effect on me. Strangely, though, I also have sleep troubles, waking in the middle of the night and finding myself unable to fall asleep again. Which doesn’t help with the headaches, let me tell you.

Then I have digestive issues: either I can’t go to the bathroom or I can’t stop. I’m bloated and feel like the ugliest lump on the planet. It’s like I have my period all the time. Wait. I guess that’s too much information. Moving on, then.

Kabuki has reported, and I have to say that I have noticed this too, some pain in the breasts. Too much information again? Sorry. Um…I am breaking out a bit, but I think that’s because I am eating more baked goods than usual. Mmmm, nothing cuts a nic-fit like some old fashioned plain doughnuts from Timmy Ho’s!

*Ahem*

I feel a bit sick, too, but not as much so as the last time I quit, two years ago. That time I coughed up nasty coloured substances for about three weeks straight before I finally took a deep breath and enjoyed it. This time I am just a bit stuffed up and am clearing my throat a bit at night before bed. And already most of that has actually passed.

In better news, Michka tells me I snore less. And although I have been eating more baked goods, I haven’t noticed myself eating uncontrollably; I am actually able to curb cravings and tend to eat when I am actually hungry. I hope that means I won’t have to put on the extra few pounds I usually put on when quitting. I’m about as heavy as I want to be.

Also, I know that the sickness, the sleeplessness, even the irritability are my body’s way of working out the addiction. It’s healing itself, which is a painful and slow process. Kinda like the economy or something. But it will get better right? My body, I mean. The economy has gone to shit. That’s why I play Cash For Life.

I’ve already won $34 in the last two weeks! Yeehaw.